Testimony

I am writing to be a testimony of Gods mercy and grace!

     I don't know if you have ever witness the evil grip of an alcoholic death! It is horrible... To watch someone you love literately deteriorate from the inside out. What's even worse is to have that person that you love so much deny the fact that alcohol is the cause of his demise and not care to do anything about it! I became so very angry with God! Began a fast with my younger brother in hopes that God would heal our father! Well, it was a Friday and I couldn't do it anymore! Go to school, work and take care of my father who could no longer take care of himself! He would fall drunk.... middle of the night and my brother would shake me awake to go help him up into bed or have him yell for us to help him get off the toilet because he didn't have the strength to lift himself. We asked him one last time... "Dad, will you please go to the hospital, Please?" He said, "No, no I don't need to go to the hospital. Im fine"

     So, I started packing up some stuff took a bag out side. My Dad asked me, "Are you leaving?" I then said, "Ya Dad, Im going to go to Eric's"  My dad said as he cried, "FOREVER?" It took everything inside of me to not cry as I walked up to him, kissed his cheek and I told him how much I loved him. Told him I couldn't watch him die anymore! So, my brother and I went back to his house in Antioch, I called my dad on Saturday. Gosh, he was so angry at me, he wouldn't even tell me he loved me back. I was so upset!

     That Sunday we went to a friends kids birthday party at Chucky Cheeses in Fremont. We were on the 680 freeway about to pass the 580 Junction to Hayward/Castro Valley when I got a call from one of my father's neighbors. She told me that the light in the kitchen was on and my dad wasn't answering the phone. I knew right then... I asked her if my dad's car was parked in the stall... I can still hear her feet as she ran to look. It was there so then I told her to knock on the door. I told my brother to go to my dad's and that this might be it and to be ready as I am already in tears because I knew in my heart he was no longer alive! I can hear her knocking on the door saying, "Ed, hello are you there? Ed?" The she confirmed my biggest fear and she yelled, "Oh My God Michelle, I see his legs???" I screamed out and I told my brother to hurry and told Brenda to call 911 cuz he could still be alive and to go get the key to the apartment from the manager. She wouldn't hang up the phone the next door neighbor called 911... She went out to the front of the apartments to direct the paramedics to my fathers. When my brother pulled up I was already trying to climb out of the car before he was even fully stopped then I ran, crying and I just kept saying no dad no... Im so sorry I left you alone. When I got there everyone was outside and the police wouldn't let me in to go see him nor would they tell me if he was dead or alive! I just kept crying, I felt so guilty because I left him all alone... He died by himself thinking all his kids hated him... I tried so hard to let my father know that I loved him!
     I was so angry at God, I stopped fasting because I saw no point! My dad was dead! I was in such a daze and a fog... It was like I was on auto pilot. My father was my best friend and I was broken hearted... I didn't know what to do? I didn't know how I would go on! How was I going to live without my Dad! He was all I knew. I was 26 and so dependent on him that I not only had to mourn for my father but I was without a place to live. I still had school and work. What was I going to do? How was I going to take care of myself? More so, who was going to take care of ME now?? I was angry, terrified, and I did not want to be awake, EVER! I cried myself to sleep every night for two weeks. Went to LA to stay with my sister for a week! I tried to find comfort in the arms of a man.. My life was a struggle. I was on the devils path, so angry! Why did God feel it necessary to kill everyone I loved. I was going to go back to the bar.. say, "SCREW LIFE, IT IS NOT WORTH CRAP!" My pain was unbearable! Then I got pregnant. Great now this??? Can anything else go wrong? Well, I then realized I had two choices... choose good or bad!?

     God, He saw where I was at and He has chose me! Yes, it was premarital sex.... where I was at in my life God saw the potential in me to do good and do his work... I choose to do Good. God blessed me with this baby... He is no mistake...  Not at all! My son saved my life and with my fathers death and the birth of my son.... I have grown up and have been seeking the Lord ever since! I will tell you this! I have more than I could have ever imagined... Not just in materialistic things but in my soul, heart, mind!! God directed me to the kind of Church I needed in order to maintain a positive outlook on the world I live in! I have discovered how selfish, self-absorbed and self-seeking I really was... That I really was not a good person! I was angry, bitter and very resentful! Then with the Birth of my son seemed to come the Birth of the Lords Holy Spirit within me! I was not as angry or resentful. I was still a little about me but through open mindedness and hearing and taking in constructive criticism I am changing!

     I had an open mind to do better, be better! Not for me but for my son whom God gave me! Now I seek the Lord and he comes before anything! Because of my desire to be more like him, things that used to make me angry... like waiting for a ride! Nothing! No Bother! I am having break-throughs! God put it on my heart to fast again and even though I ate somethings 4 times I wasnt supposed to he still is working through and in me to do his will... I am amazed at what complete trust and faithfulness in the Lord will do for one's heart, soul and their Life! Through homelessness and no job... to a great HOME and an awesome JOB! I have come this far by faith. Without God I would not be alive! I would have died with my Dad!

     God, has a purpose for me and I am going to continue to live my life the way He desires because there is no better feeling or knowledge.... THEN KMOWING GOD SHOWS FAVOR IN ME!!! I am a walking miracle!!

     God Is So God!! I have no reason to complain or be mean or angry or hurtful to anyone despite what "people" do!!